The Dietitian's Guide to Being an Idiot

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The Dietitian’s Guide To Being An Idiot (Part 1)

 Are you ready to feel frustrated and work harder than necessary to lose weight and feel great? Then these steps are for you! Individual results may vary.

Without further ado, here are the first 5 steps:  

1. Tally up your exercise calories to determine how much you can eat for the day. (Oh, and make sure you include the extra 15 calories you used up chewing gum.)

I’m cringing just writing this. Stop. You have a magnificent, built-in messaging system that can do all this "tallying" of energy/calorie needs for you. Just listen to your body's hunger and satiety cues. Take a look at my Hunger Scale Tool. You don’t need presumptuous calculations made outside of your body - unless you are in a coma. If you've been ignoring your body's cues, and ignoring its built-in system, you may have a hard time recognizing them. Don't worry - with a little practice you can get the hang of it.

Don’t eat to fullness, eat to satisfaction.
— Becky Crowther, RDN

2.  Exercise off the "extra" calories you just ate.

In fact, you might as well start doing lunges while you’re eating that bagel, because it’s going to take you hours to work that off! Seriously though! If you find yourself summing up food in terms of miles and mountain climbers, you are headed for trouble and misery. I would be bold enough to say you may be on the road to an eating disorder. Once again, avoid overeating by listening to your hunger and satiety cues.  Don’t eat to fullness, eat to satisfaction.

3. Make sure you feel like a sack of shit and have a really bad day after you eat ____________ (fill in the blank).

Do you feel bad for eating that donut this morning? I’m not going to say a whole lot about this, but I am going to get all "tough love" on you for a second.  

Pull your head out of your ass and get over yourself.

If eating something on your "dirty" list has ruined your day, visit a third world country and get perspective. I’m done now.

 4. Rage war against the banana. 

Seriously people?! Bananas are not making you fat. Bananas are your friend. This fruit is a great on-the-go snack with a super combination of carbohydrate, protein, fat, fiber, and antioxidants. And it's all wrapped in an environmentally friendly package!

Personally, I'm very fond of the banana. However, don’t go and make bananas the next super, miracle fruit either. Moderation people.

5.    Hate/blame/reject your (circle all that apply: thighs, cellulite, muffin top, butt, neck etc.)

Stop the hate and blame you’re placing on your body. Your body is BRILLIANT! The reality is that your fatty ass is saving your ass. Literally. When your body receives excess (overeating) energy, it says “Well hello there extra energy! I wasn’t expecting you. But while you’re here you might as well make yourself at home. Come hang out in one of my storage facilities until we can put you to later use.” So polite. Emily Post would be proud. And so should you. If your body couldn’t do this, you would die when you overeat. Literally. Dead.

Stay tuned for part 2 of The Dietitians Guide To Being An Idiot.